even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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