I cockslap morals
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
