I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
