My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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