we have pet lesbian snakes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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