Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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