I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
And then he peed in my hair
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