I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
