At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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