You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think your dad took our porno
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
