If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
