She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
