well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
