We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
