I puked a lego.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize