So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
