My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
