So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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