i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
