he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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