my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
