Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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