i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
