you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
