I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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