In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
