my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
