True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
