There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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