he puts the penis in happiness.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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