When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
