Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
