so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
