Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
