Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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