Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
