someone get that fucking seahorse.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
