Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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