i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
