If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
