Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
