The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
