Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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