Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
