Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
