True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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