a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
