she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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