McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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