Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
