a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
a search helicopter?!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
