I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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