You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
